Vacation, Toddler Style

People with no long term memory skills keep inviting our children on vacation. Apparently no one remembers what it is like to spend endless hours with a toddler who has endless energy. Let me spell it out for you:

6am Rise with the sun because vacation homes do not come with black out shades. What? Everyone else can manage to sleep in? So who is going to get up and try to keep him quiet: big fat pregnant lady. Off to the kitchen to stop the shouting for food. Stomp, stomp, world's loudest little legs go up the stairs. Then there is the crying because with 24 other people in the house, someone drank all the orange juice. Working it's way into many dreams will be the the sounds "OR JUU", but no one will know what it means. Then the demands for pancakes or waffles and not the frozen kind, this is one pampered boy. How in the world the BFPL is going to make that while trying to keep loud toddler from getting into every cupboard/ going up and down stairs is a mystery.

6:30am A few early risers get up to start their morning routine... walk on beach, drink coffee on deck, all done quietly. No one has energy to deal with demanding toddler this early, so off we go in the stroller with cookies, having given up on breakfast.

7:30am BFPL must go lay on cold tile floor to catch breath. Force the father of toddler to come help, which does not go over well after a late night of playing poker. Now BFPL can make pancakes. Big failure as kitchen is always missing a few key things, like something to cook more than one at a time...

8:00am Most adults in the house have appeared, if only to find out what the stomping was. Sorry teenagers who like to sleep until 11am, we are letting him loose now. Stair time! Okay, who is going to follow him up and down stairs for an hour? A couple kind souls take 5 minute shifts, leaving only 50 minutes for BFPL. The father has gone for a run, then a shower, then breakfast.... No worries, after 2 hours there are still hot pancakes having been made one at a time for 2 hours...

9 am feed and sunscreen other children who have no problem sleeping in and avoiding playing with toddler. Suncreen up the toddler, resulting screams rouse the rest of the house.

10am beach time! Okay, hold toddler hand every second while near the water. Constantly pull things from his mouth... rocks, shells, seaweed, cigarette butts. Now make a castle! Eat sand! Pour sand in hair! Look forward to long bath later trying to remove sand! Other children complain about hot sand, itchy sand, and bugs.

10:10 back to the house pool! Hold toddler every second in pool as he refuses life jacket, swimmies, floaties, everything. Oh, no eating the styrofoam noodle! Bite, bite! Choke, choke! Now out of pool, run around pool, again and again! Oh, were people trying to relax and read next to pool? Ha ha, funny joke on them! Run, run! Now help toddler jump into the pool over and over again. BFPL back is breaking. No time for socializing father of toddler, on duty! 2 hours of non-stop vigilance until lunch. People walk by on their way to the beach, think toddler is amusing, walk faster.

NOON: guessing game to see what random food toddler will accept for lunch. Fail at dragging lunch out until nap time, back to the stairs, up and down, up and down. Why is everyone avoiding the house?

1pm NAP TIME!!! Toddler disagrees, refuses to stay in pack-n-play and laughs mockingly when you put him there. BFPL should know better, toddler has mastered getting out of real crib, pack-n-play is for amateurs! Takes full hour to wrestle toddler to sleep.

2pm Ah, bliss, toddler is sleeping. Wait, can't leave toddler though, he can open doors with lever handles which apparently make the house handicap friendly. Must stay with toddler which is fine because BFPL can't move anyway.

2:10pm Lunch time for late risers, clang clang in the kitchen. And toddler is awake! And refreshed! And yelling POOL! Sunscreen up! Father of toddler is at beach, hiding. Repeat morning routine until happy hour.

4pm Fire up margarita machine! Sorry BFPL, none for you! Everyone amused by toddler as they quickly grab drinks and head to non-child proof deck with stairs of danger. Wave to toddler from windows. 5 minutes of peek-a-boo. More margaritas and everyone forgets the loud morning.

6pm Dinner that toddler refuses to eat, make alternate dinner. No highchairs so chase toddler nonstop during real dinner, tag team with father of toddler.

7pm Bathe squealing pig toddler and wrestle into pajamas in hope he will sleep at night.

8pm Take toddler for long long slow slow walk, too tired to go faster.

9pm Read books, only 4 would fit in suitcase, so read them each 10 times. Whee! And again! Try to convince toddler to ignore sounds of party upstairs. Know that the later toddler stays up the later toddler will sleep in. Oh wait, that's wrong. Toddler is up at 6am no matter what, thanks sun! Wow, sounds like fun up there, BFPL too tired to climb stairs again and oh yes, can't leave toddler anyway. Toddler plot to find the pool is obvious as he runs to the door every chance he gets, checking the lock.

10pm Toddler finally gives in and falls asleep. No time for shower for BFPL, must get sleep too. Repeat 6 more times. Ah, beach week is so relaxing! We'll be back in 5 years!