Okay, now this I deserved...

Yes, I admit it, I tried to find a shorter mass to take the kids to this weekend before I leave so decided to try out the Saturday evening one. Sean was working the 2 to 7 and unfortunately for me (not him), it was the 2pm to 7pm so I was on my own. Patrick, in a stroke of genius, reminded me that he was sick so I left him in the office with multi-tasking Sean. So the girls and I get to church and notice that it's rather crowded. Who knows where this is going? Yes, it's First Communion! As the Schartz's can attest, you do not leave church once you enter (even if you accidentally come 30 minutes late) so we were stuck. Emily was awful, we were trapped in the middle of a pew that we probably weren't supposed to be in, and it was of course super super long. I authorized an early release and we escaped right after communion, which still clocked in at 75 minutes. It turns out that wrestling kids for 75 minutes in church is a good send off for a week away.

Oh and as for sick Patrick... the best sick kid EVER. Last night he fell asleep when I took him to pick up pizza and then went to bed when we got home. He requested a bowl but I assumed he was fine until the morning when he informed me that he needed another bowl downstairs and yes, he did use the one in his room. What?! Yes, the boy puked at night, did not make a mess and did not wake me up. Bravo. I'm still not taking him with me.

Trip Prep

I have gotten plenty of tips on how to deal with changing time zones and taking a red-eye flight. All very helpful, thank you. I've actually been in training for this for over 9 years now. Like most moms I can sleep anywhere and in any time increment and somehow it adds up to enough sleep that I can function with the aid of a lot of caffeine. Also, I have flown with small children a lot so to fly without small children, well, that alone is a vacation. Getting four kids and a disturbing amount of bags and gear through security has prepared me for anything frankly. Ha ha to those of you who think spin class is a work out. I also keep getting asked how long the flight is going to be. Not as long as it would be if I was spending the entire time trying to keep a toddler from kicking the seat. One of my main concerns is making sure I have something good to read on the flight because I might be bored. Trying to wrap my mind around this concept. I might get around to figuring out how to play Angry Birds. Patrick would be so impressed if I did.

I am also trying to prepare the family for the week I am gone. I think Sean can make bread but I feel like I need six loaves in the freezer just in case. Nana and Pops come Tuesday night so I am actually not worried because Nana also makes bread. Yes, this is all the children eat. I am worried about what they will wear to the school concert though (that yes, I am missing and will be mentioned in future therapy sessions no doubt) so I may have to address that before I leave. And perhaps label dresses as it would not be unheard of for the girls to mix them up and have Megan wearing something really short and Anna wearing something comically long. That would really tip off the mommy police and get them wondering where I am. Yes, if I die in a plane crash I'm sure some of them will think it is WHAT. I. DESERVE. for leaving young children for a week.

We all have issues about leaving our children and if we all had years of therapy we would all get to the point I am at now. I just skipped ahead and took that therapy money to pay for this trip. The children will never be old enough that I don't worry about them so putting off travel until that point means it will never happen. There is only so much (actually, very little) that we can control in this world and if worse comes to worst and the plane goes down, I am going on record saying Sean has my permission to remarry but only Rachel McAdams, not that slut from the hospital.

Well, that all sounds very convincing so maybe I will even pack my bag today and then tomorrow I will actually get on the plane. Not sure how much wine I will need on that plane but I feel I should warn Heather that I may not be totally gorgeous when I show up in Brussels.

p.s. other tips I have received include be sure I pack enough clothes for the whole week (nope, I don't have that many clothes, hence the shopping aspect of this trip... I literally have not left Manhattan now for 5 months and it shows) and bring peanut butter because I will get sick of the food there. After making endless peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and peanut butter toast every single day, I am ready for a break from peanut butter. Also, my concern is not getting sick of restaurant food, my concern is having the appetite to try it all. Again, it has been 5 months since I have eaten at a non-Manhattan restaurant. I am ready. I think.

Will this ruin Paris?

Currently undergoing the air conditioning tune-up.... what sort of news will come out of this? Will I sacrifice cool air for a whole summer so I can shop in Paris? We have lots of shade at this house and a basement to sleep in. No, Sean is vetoing this idea. Well, here's hoping it's good news! To get Patrick out of the house so he will leave the a/c guy alone I offered him some candy. He responded with wide eyes and astonishment, "I love candy!". Yes, I've picked up on this fact...

Best age ever

Emily will go off and play by herself with her actual toys and doesn't get hurt, break anything, or hit anyone. She also takes it upon herself to take my kitchen towels up to the laundry room when she deems them dirty. She will even take her own dirty socks up to the laundry room. Let's just say she takes after me and me alone... I am enjoying every moment because I know it won't be long and she will be like Patrick, breaking the house rule that if you can't say scissors, then you can't use them.

Kickball Champions

There may have been some creative refereeing to feed those doctor egos, but that's okay because at least no one got hurt. I don't know if kickball injuries are covered under Sean's disability insurance so there was some concern. The girls found it much more fun to cheer for kickball instead of golf, although when you factor in riding in the golf cart I think it's pretty even. Perhaps others in town will know the people in these photos, I only know the wine club docs...

Easter Treasures

The kids made out well at the country club Easter egg hunt... I managed to hide or throw away all Easter related items while the children were at school and/or napping today. They definitely need to not eat any more candy. Emily must have gotten some chocolate or something yesterday because she was up chatting in her crib for hours and hours last night which has never happened before. She also kept throwing her book to the floor and yelling for Megan to give it back to her. So sometimes the whole sharing a room doesn't work out...

Spare you the video

The girls begged me to video their performance and I did, but I don't know how to download and then upload here so I will just spare you the 3 minutes of pain and instead summarize it for you. Anna wore her old Easter dress, Megan wore polka dots on a tunic with leggings. The song was Tik Tok from Ke$ha, the lip syncing was horrible. Patrick joined in for the second half, in his underwear. In the background you can see the neglected 4th child climbing the stairs by herself. They were all so proud and I was just glad no one got hurt. There you go, you can keep those 3 minutes of your life and do something productive with them.

By the way, spellcheck is totally cool with Ke$ha, but not teleradiology? Ke$ha does earn more.

World's Finest Easter

We bought some candy from the fund raiser at school, out of Catholic guilt of course. I figured I had to fill their Easter baskets anyway, may as well kill two birds with one check. After sampling the "World's Finest Chocolate" I spent some time trying to figure out how you can legally call anything the "world's finest", and specifically that chocolate. And then I realized that it must be from when someone asks you how it is and you respond, "meh, it's fine...". Which sums up our Easter weekend too: it was the World's Finest.

I treaded water all day Saturday, just trying to keep the children safe and the house standing while Sean unexpectedly ended up working the entire day. I wasn't real motivated to do all the usual Easter stuff and make even more work for myself. So far the kids haven't noticed that we skipped dyeing eggs, although I did buy all the stuff to do it (the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I know it well). I also skipped making any sort of special Easter breakfast because the kids do not care and are just as happy with donuts and chocolate. I was so tired Saturday night that I barely got their baskets together and certainly did not make them as cute and creative as all the star mothers out there (congratulations to them!).

Thankfully Sean got home around 10pm and I conned him into hiding the eggs (that Anna filled with candy for me). We no longer pretend that an actual giant bunny enters the house and does all this stuff. Do you really think Megan would be cool with that?? Under no circumstances would she be able to fall asleep knowing that some giant animal was going to sneak in the house and hide baskets and eggs. The downside to them knowing it is us filling the baskets is that they then request a lot of specific items to be put in them. I really cut back this year because I am tired of picking up crap around this house. Same goes for buying coordinating outfits for the whole family so we can spend a lot of time trying to get the perfect family photo. I spend too much time doing laundry as it is, I gag just thinking of adding more clothing to this house. So they all wore hand me down clothes and I got a bad shot of 3 of the kids at one point but that's it.

We didn't even all make it to the club for lunch and the egg hunt because Emily desperately needed a nap so I stayed home with her... and cleaned up the mess, yippee! We did all go to church together because somehow, some way, Sean did not get a single call from the ER from 10pm Saturday until 6pm Sunday, at which point the computers were back up so he didn't have to drive in to read it. The kids were even pretty good in church, although Emily did keep wandering off to sit with other people. I guess it's good that she's used to going and is comfortable enough to explore. Or maybe she just wants another family with parents who have more energy? The highlight of the day was having a nice casual dinner with some friends who also don't have family in town. I think my parents are concerned that we don't have friends or a social life just because I don't advertise it on the blog. We do, but we can't do everything with everyone all the time and to spare hurt feelings I don't mention it. We are very thankful to have many wonderful friends here and around the country (and in Belgium!) but I would never insult them and say they are the World's Finest. But I would be happy to share some of this chocolate with them...

Easter Puppies

In yet another attempt to fulfill the children's demands for a pet we have gotten them toy puppies that bark and walk around. Megan also has hers leave little puppy "treats" on the floor, which are obviously (and thankfully) just jelly beans accompanied by a lot of sound effects. Patrick in particular finds this hilarious. Emily is mesmerized so perhaps we should have gotten her one too. I don't spend much on presents until they are old enough to realize what's going on. This may have been the holiday to start, fruit snacks and bunny crackers are not holding her attention today. I will post more later, right now we are on the fence as to whether we should get ready for church or just assume that someone needing attention will show up in the ER, thus requiring Sean a trip in to read the standard CT for headache. Awesome weekend to shut down the hospital computers, wheeeee! Happy Easter Army Doctors!!

Easter Bet

All my sisters and my parents are together in South Bend for Easter and apparently the subject turned to whether or not Sean owns a gun. I can't believe there was even any debate, except for the whole army thing and his love of video games that involve shooting. Hmm, I guess I can see where the confusion comes in. We are rather opposed to accidental shootings in the home though, so we stick with the old golf club under the bed and the home alarm system. This is not to say that Sean hasn't done his time at the firing range but as always, if any war comes down to a radiologist with the small gun he would carry (what is that called, anyway?), it's not looking good. We are not entirely opposed to people having guns, in fact we enjoyed touring DC with Monica and Dennis and his Secret Service weapon, but only because we know he has had a bit of training. So there you go, if Sean can survive the Secret Service training camp then I will consider letting him have a gun. Pretty sure he is happy with just his video games though. How's that for the oddest Easter blog post? Pretty much sums up this odd Easter though with nothing going as planned.

Hard to be the baby

Emily was not thrilled when I suggested nap time instead of outside time.

Stuck in the Middle

We have clearly defined kid teams in this family, the bigs and the littles. Pretty self explanatory. Of course then there is girls vs boy and everyone vs Anna, we do like to mix it up for special occasions. We have recently had a new team emerge and they are full of trouble. Their team name is the Middles and their sport is big trouble. They mostly fight against each other and tattle constantly so if they are being quiet it must be investigated. I found them down by the street with a great deal of mud on and around them yesterday when I came back from a walk. Someone had been lulled into thinking they were doing something else but don't worry, he is quickly learning how much fun he will have when I go to Paris. I made the mistake of not escorting them all the way to the back of the house for a spray down and thus found them around the side throwing mud at the basement door. Well, Anna was running away and Patrick was left holding a mud ball but so far I have been right every time I assume that Anna was doing whatever Patrick was caught doing. And Patrick has a big enough vocabulary to hang her out to dry now. Years of fun ahead!

I am also stuck between having little kids and big kids. Have to get up early with the littles and stay up late with the bigs. Megan was up until after midnight last night because she obsesses about these ghost stories a boy at school keeps telling her. She believes him because he told her we have an old house and a lot of families have lived here. I did explain to her that 20 years isn't old for a house, although it is old for an air conditioner (worrying about that keeps the adults up at night), and no one died here (that I know of). We know the previous owners and I am really excited to meet the owners before them via a good friend soon but that's another tangent.

So I spend a great deal of precious free time in the evenings trying to explain to Megan that ghosts in general don't exist and specifically not in our house. I also spend a lot of time discussing Bigfoot, the Lock Ness Monster, aliens and wolves. And oh my, the discussions about the Guinness Book of World Records.... God help me if I ever meet Mr. Guinness. I have a little something special planned for ghost story boy; taking treats in next week and I'm thinking about loading his cupcake up with raisins. As a raisin hater this is pretty serious revenge. Don't worry, I am kidding but I will have some words with him. I did fix one problem Megan had with a boy at school who was being mean to her. I had her tell him that I explained to her that when boys are mean it's because they have a crush on the girl. Megan said he is being nice to all the girls now! A rare victory, I must cherish it, no doubt my last.

Not the "Best" Friday

We were talking to Anna last night about all the fun stuff she can do today since there is no school, as it is Good Friday. She informed us that it is not the best Friday because Jesus did die on the cross and all. Yeah, nothing like death to put a damper on an iCarly marathon. She then told us that it is good though because he died for us. Hey, look at that, Catholic school is working! No worries, Easter Monday will be the best Monday because they are also off school then and Sean will be home. And I will be feeling guilty about my upcoming trip to Paris and will let them do whatever they want.

Didn't pick this battle

Patrick is refusing to get dressed as usual and even though it was pretty chilly today he would still only wear his backwards underwear outside... with two different shoes. He lost a croc but still wants to wear the surviving one so he pairs it with his regular shoe. I have an hour to get him dressed for school pick up time, better start now.

Easter Car

Patrick keeps asking me when Easter is coming and I just say, "soon" because he doesn't understand days of the week or time in general. Well, he just asked me what kind of car Easter drives because he is watching out the window for it. Yes, Easter drives a car full of presents no doubt, just like Santa has a sleigh. I am beginning to wonder just what the kids are expecting... Patrick mentioned a baseball bat and a light saber. Nothing says Easter like weapons! Actually, Palm Sunday was renamed Weapon Sunday in our house as anyone who sat near us in church can attest. Patrick used his palm branch to attack everyone who dared to pass our pew.

Patrick is currently training Emily in the art of "fork fighting" and I really hope she is up to speed by Easter so we can get a wide berth at the club for brunch. She understands so much these days yet says so little. I keep asking her if she is ready for her diaper change, which she despises based on the kicking and screaming that accompanies such an event, and she vigorously shakes her head no. Might this one want to potty train before age 4?!

Radiologists are doctors too

And not the fake kind, like someone I used to date who has a PhD in rocks. Err, rocks get sick? Anyway, Sean is playing in a charity kickball game, Docs vs. Jocks, and he needs to wear some scrubs. Umm, scrubs? I think I finally purged them in the last move since teleradiology dress code is "hangover lounging pants" from Horny Toad. Army demands that Sean blend in with the desert, so no scrubs for the day job either. So I wonder why no one realizes Sean is a doctor?

Anyway, if any locals want to come out here are the details:

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Join us on Tuesday, April 26 to raise funds for the Flint Hills Community Clinic.

Your $10 donation will benefit the uninsured of Riley County by helping the free clinic provide income-based healthcare for preventable diseases like diabetes, asthma and hypertension.

We have 20 local doctors playing against 20 KSU athletes in an uber-competitive kickball match. Who will win? Come see for yourself!

Docs vs. Jocks, Griffith Field on Fort Riley Blvd, 4/26, 7:00 pm

Patrick's Prayers

As a typical three year old, Patrick is fond of routines and one of them that no other child has shown interest in is saying grace before dinner. He is rather militant about this one and if we mess up in any way, then it must be repeated while the food gets even colder. He is very serious about it and has the most angelic face while he recites words that do in fact sound similar to the real words. When most people would think that he is finished with the routine he continues on and screams, "now it's time to eat!" and then he always falls halfway off his chair which then prompts Anna to say, "let me guess, you are okay?" while he is saying in his serious voice, "I'm okay". And then Anna has to complain about how he says the same exact thing every time and then I point out the irony in her saying that every single time. Well, tonight she was upstairs in the bathroom while we were saying grace and she still yelled out her line at the right time. Seriously? Is there an award for most awesome family, because you could definitely sign us up.

Megan's latest routine is staying up really late and then asking to sleep in our bed because some kid is telling ghost stories at school. I'm still catching up on nine years of sleep, not getting sucked into that one. Emily has learned to pull her blanket over her face when the girls go to bed because they make such a fuss and turn on night lights. She somehow skipped her nap today and thus did not wake up when the girls were screaming at each other at bed time. Ah, three in a room, such a clever idea. Megan is also getting teased at school about how she is going to marry some boy in her class and I told her to go along with the joke and talk about how he will get crammed in that room too. She knows to stay out of boyfriend drama and I keep reminding her that if a boy likes her he can ask her to prom in high school, nothing sooner. Oh fun times ahead for everyone!

I Draw the Line

In general Sean could not care less about how I decorate the house. We were married about two years when I brought home some fabric samples for him to choose from and he suggested that we just bypass this charade and I go ahead and pick out what I want. No need for him to be the yes man when there is football to be analyzed. Ironically enough, those fabrics were for the one chair that is now in his office so perhaps he should have weighed in. Anyway, much more efficient this way and he freely admits that I have done just fine without his input.

Soooo, when it comes to his office, I just let him do what he wants. I have ordered him a few thing per his request and I offered him cast offs from the real house, but he picked out his highly functional radiology specific work station all on his own, and of course the TV. There are some movie posters and the Play Like a Champion Today sign (have to smack that on the way to start each shift, because football and teleradiology have so much in common), but I draw the line at Rachel McAdams posters. Let the record show that I do not display my Jude Law autographed 8x10 photo anywhere and not just because it is a shot clearly aimed at his gay fans (umm, tank top? wrong in so many ways). So if I ever find a wall filled with Rachels, they may disappear while someone is out golfing. I will allow her movies on the netflix queue but I'm going cry foul if he wants to watch The Notebook more than once.

On an editing note, how does one convince Spellcheck that teleradiology and netflix are words? It thinks "spellcheck" is correct, although I think it wants me to capitalize it and put it in bold font. I'm also going to let the grammar police know that I am declaring netflix to be a verb from now on. So if you haven't netflixed Archer yet, go now before the PC police show up. Here's a quote for Sean at 2am, from a scene between the main agent and his butler:

Archer: Stop. Shut up. I have to go, and If I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll... rub sand in your dead little eyes.
Woodhouse: Very good, Sir.
Archer: I also need you to go buy sand.
Woodhouse: Yes, Sir.
Archer: I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

I can relate

I know just how she feels. We'll see if I stay up until Sean gets home tonight. At 10pm. It was a long day of goofy children trying to entertain their grandparents....

College Fund with a View

Not much point in buying a summer house until we can use it and currently army frowns on taking off three months at a time. So Sean frowns on me having a realtor who sends me listings but what can you do, I'm on her automatic mailings (and it's rude to "unsubscribe" right?). There is a family is who has priced low in hopes that another family will enjoy their vintage cottage the way they did for the past 85 years... on a double lot ON Lake Michigan. Not only would this family enjoy it, but I would decorate WAY better. Currently priced at two college funds, I'm betting it will sell today unless the recession is hitting Chicago harder than I think. And so I share this torture with you. Andrea, if you do a drive-by, do not tell me about the pristine sandy beach...

Archer

FX is our new favorite network apparently as the next show you must watch is a cartoon on there called Archer. Definitely for non-PC adults only. Highly offensive in every way and thus the funniest show we've seen perhaps ever. It is about a bunch of vain, selfish and stupid secret agents. I think one of our favorite quick scenes so far is when the mother, who is head of the agency, goes to her son's apartment and sees some school girl uniforms littered about...

mother: School girls Archer, really?!
Archer: No mother, prostitutes.
mother: And that's supposed to be better?!
Archer: Well, isn't it?

The mother is Lucille from Arrested Development. How can you go wrong?

Severe Weather Preparation

As I follow all the tornado alerts to the west of us I can't help but look around our house and think, I am not wasting another minute cleaning until I know for sure this house will be standing tomorrow when my parents arrive. Also, I should move the wine to the safe room. With the corkscrew.

Facebook Weather Friend

I'm not talking about those people on facebook who like to post about their weather (remember, if I want to know what the weather is like where you are, I can look it up on the weather channel dot com). No, I am talking about friending the actual local weatherman team so I get their constant and hyper updates. Never before have I seen a forecast of "high of 70 tomorrow with tornados and rain". Good to know. Is it because I have massive amounts of recycling waiting to be picked up at the bottom of the steep driveway? Sorry Tatarrax, you're going to be picking first grade spelling tests out of your trees for weeks. I did at least pick up more toys than I remember bringing to this house, when I should have just left them in the yard for what we call natural selection.

Well, this also doesn't bode well for my plans to walk with a friend tomorrow. Yes, I found someone who isn't too embarrassed to walk for exercise and our schedules finally aligned. Not sure how the motorhome is going to love this weather but at least they removed the word snow from Friday's forecast! Never dull in Kansas. Err, I mean, the weather is never dull in Kansas.

Unsettling?

Sean didn't know it was a race (and won't until he reads this later) but when we were interrupted AGAIN during Justified with a head CT, I went up and started unloading the dishwasher while he read that to see who would finish first. Including download time, he still beat me and I assure you, I am a pro at unloading a dishwasher as some days I get to do it twice (yay). Now before you gripe about how much you'd get billed for such a service if you yourself had a sinus headache that you swear is a tumor, let me assure you he gets paid nothing extra. Coincidentally, I also get paid nothing extra for unloading the dishwasher. I think it is time for the children to start getting paid nothing extra to do it. Last time I made a chore chart it was on a white board and somehow it mysteriously kept getting erased. I sense a long summer ahead.

Reunion Dorm

For the first time we are going to make it to our college reunion. At our 5 year we were literally driving from Indy to El Paso for a YEAR OF FUN! Internship hours! Roaches! Blazing heat! Disgusting army housing! I digress. At our 10 year Sean was in his final week of studying for his boards in San Antonio which was slightly important as everything he had ever studied was leading up to that point and he kind of needed to pass. Oh, and we were moving to Kansas a couple weeks after that. So again, not good timing. Well, now it is our 15 year and we made the wise decision to spontaneously move last fall and avoid having that interfere this June. So far nothing else has come up and every time something might conflict Sean will ask me the exact dates. He can confirm that I did almost slug him this last time. There is a point when absentmindedness loses its charm.

So now we need to figure out where to stay for reunion weekend and I had assumed we would stay in a dorm for convenience but I don't think it would be like when we were there as undergrads. There is a reason you don't have 4 children while you're in college. Slight cramp to your style. Also, our class is staying in Dillon Hall and as a matter of principle I hate Dillon, specifically 4 guys there who called me blondie and got too drunk at a football game. Not a wise move and they gave me dirty looks for the next 4 years. (sidenote: I wonder why I never got asked out on dates? ) One even knocked my graduation cap off at baccalaureate mass. Wow, I really hope they are at reunion. Damn, I should have gotten that boob job as I'm sure their wives did. How did I get on this topic? Oh yeah, so I am not staying in some nasty boy smelling dorm with communal bathrooms and thus need another plan. And apparently some babysitters so we can attend some of the events. Regis and Lou are both speaking, I have a feeling only Sean will make it to that one unless we impose on Andrea even more. Anyway, it will be an adventure just like everything we do with the kids involved...

I Heart Army

So as not to anger army I removed a not so loving post. At least army entertains me though. The best thing Sean had waiting for him after a week at a conference was a patient "complaint" that required Sean to explain to this quick thinking patient with no authority (other than a hotmail account) as to how his department handles radioactive waste, specifically from the MRI machine. I am baffled that Sean was able to respond without dripping sarcasm that there is in fact no radioactive waste and especially not from the magnetic resonance imaging system. What did this guy think, they just toss it out with the cafeteria trash? Thanks for the head's up, we had no idea that stuff was bad! Phew, disaster averted. Sleep safe, Fort Riley, all is well.

Favorite smells

I love opening the washing machine to find that someone had thoughtfully stored their peed on clothing there. Mmmm. Also, the smell of burning Kansas fields.... alarming when it infiltrates the house at night. Of course nothing compares to when the wind blows just right and we can enjoy the K-State cattle barns. We are now taking reservations for house guests...

Sweet Emily

Emily still only uses a few words but somehow with waving and pointing she manages to run the house. Meal time includes screeching and pointing until I identify what she wants to eat and once I have succeeded there she will delicately take her finger and pound it on her tray, indicating exactly where I should place such item. She is also the best eater of all four these days. Last night's real dinner was met with loud protests by the other three but she didn't seem to realize it wasn't chicken nuggets. She is also insisting on using a fork now, which not to brag, but I know a seven year old who still has trouble with that concept. Emily hates having her hands dirty though and she showed me them last week when they had whipped cream on them from waffles... such a look of disgust on her face. Her baby words were, "Lady, take care of this!" She has also figured out that whatever I am eating must be good because she always wants some. I thought I could sneak some caramel cake past her last night but, no, I only got half a piece and I had to get up and get her another fork. Then I taught her how to scrape up the last of the caramel frosting.

The one word that Emily has mastered is "mo" which usually means more. It applies to everything that she wants more of, food, books, tickling. She will be kicking and laughing hysterically while we tickle her and then we stop and she immediately becomes calm and then says quietly, "mo?". This is a fun age... before the well documented stage that follows. We are going through TV detox with Patrick now that it is nice enough to play outside. Not pretty. The girls seem to be catching on at least as iCarly did not join us for breakfast this morning. It's the small victories. Only kind we get around here.

Rituals

1001st post, tried to think of something thought provoking and moving to post.... but I spend so much of my day just dealing with the demands of children that I can't form a coherent thought, let alone remember it to type out later. Current tasks include dressing and redressing Patrick all day. Clothes are just so confining and underwear must be worn backwards for reasons I try not to ponder. It used to be the difficult part of going anywhere was the fight over buckling into the carseat but now I have to get clothes and shoes on him before we even fight over who is opening the door to the breezeway... and then the door to the garage... and then the door to the car. Then he has his whole ritual in the car, including him saying, "I need to check my email" which is what he thinks playing with all the buttons for the heater/ac in the back is called. I am so tired just thinking about it... and about how many times I will have to go through that tomorrow. So in case anyone wonders why they haven't seen me in months and months, it is just too hard to leave the house for non-essential trips. We love visitors though, just give me a few minutes notice to get underwear boy presentable! The backyard is almost private again as the leaves are coming in, so I won't have to be so paranoid about who can see him playing outside like that... to infinity and beyond!

Idiot's Choice Awards 2011

Wow, I had no idea that something so worthy would come up right when it was time to write my 1000th post. Our local "paper" just released the results of their Reader's Choice Awards 2011 and it really says something about the demographic of their readers. First of all, best steak place is Little Apple Brewery followed by Ramblers?? I can make better steak in my microwave. And Stagg Hill beat out Colbert Hills for golf course? Did any golfers even vote? Other crazy winners... Vista for burgers (nostalgia only goes so far, sorry), Pizza Hut for pizza (no words for this), and Hastings for bookstore (by default?). I won't slam some of the people who won, I will merely say to those who didn't.... do you really want to be the Ramblers quality anything?

Sean's Career

I started reading another book/ neglecting the children yesterday and ran across this paragraph that made me laugh out loud.

Medical school had been his first goal-- specifically, a leisurely career in radiology. The promise of wealth had attracted him to health care, but as a devoted hypochondriac he was repelled by the idea of interacting with actual sick people. Perusing x-rays in the relatively hygienic seclusion of a laboratory had seemed an appealing option, one that would leave plenty of time for recreation.

We are still waiting for all that recreation time and any wealth seems to be cancelled out by taxes. But hope springs eternal and when he quits his ridiculous day job in 3 years, 2 months, and 20 days, I know he is planning for some golf at least and I believe I have heard mention of a little course in Scotland. Sean's Dad is turning in his company car tomorrow, so his countdown is finally over and I believe his golf course is in Ireland (and the vineyard of choice is in Italy?).

This is my 999th post and I'm feeling the pressure to find something worthy to put in the 1000th post. Sean made it home from Vegas but my next post will not be about how he's going to turn into a professional poker player. Glad he had fun but I prefer to take those tournament fees and spend them on much needed items in Paris. I went out for a walk right when he got home and the girls asked him if I had left for my trip. Not quite, but I was in the mood for some good wine.

Whoo-hoo! Excitement!

Yippee, there is a new iCarly episode tomorrow night AND 3 hours of the most popular episodes! And here I thought this weekend would blow, silly me. A deployment would most certainly push me over the edge. At least Sean should be home tomorrow, even if he does get right to work. Moonlighting pays even when army doesn't so I won't complain about that part. Sean is most excited for the crap storm waiting for him at army work if all the "non-essentials" get time off until Washington bleepity bleep bleep figures this mess out.

Last sleep in day

Patrick just had his last sleep in day ever I'm sure. Since I've had to load up all four to get the girls to school in the morning, Patrick has taken to sleeping in. Nothing more painful than waking up the chaos and noise on purpose. He has also taken to just sleeping in his pull-up so in addition to getting him out of bed I need to put something on him so he isn't cold. He wore Superman costume a couple days but then I gave up and he's been sitting in his car seat in just his pull-up since then. Classy. At least the windows are tinted. There was no way I was making it to Megan's class mass this morning with the littles in tow though. Oh and since I mentioned that it was church day Anna thought it was Sunday and thus she was confused as to why I brought out her bag and lunch. Seriously? I know it's been a long week (oh, how I know) but wow, morning amnesia much?

Other highlights to my day thus far include finding peanut butter toast stuck to the floor and being breathed on by a baby with barbeque potato chip breath. She keeps finding them in the cupboard somehow and it is disturbing. Now she is throwing a tantrum because I won't let her take my ring off to play with. She is also begging for my cell phone. Boy, can't wait for her to learn to talk more... AH well, all my friends are busy today and my sitter is out of town but at least the Schwan's Man is coming. Finally, a reason to get dressed. Hmm, in something sexy? Ha, now there's a disturbing image.

Bringing out the green jersey

You can't even say "green jerseys" around here without some groans. At some point (Sean knows when) many, many years ago ND surprised everyone by coming out in green jerseys for a big game which they then went on to win. I know, winning a big game, must have been a LONG time ago. Well, every once in a while the other jerseys must be dirty so the team tries this again and ND fans across the country curse and stomp around while we watch them choke. So, when Patrick put on his green polo with his ND football pants it did not garner the reaction he anticipated. I was happy he was clothed though, so I guess that was a victory for me at least? He refused to pose for a photo, he sensed that I was mocking him.

Ankle Biter

Sean requested photos of the kids because he misses them. This should hold him for a couple more days... I don't know which she's mad about, new teeth or the fact that I won't let her cash in her points for that new patio set.

Point System

Like most children, mine can be bribed into doing most anything, so we are working on a point system this week in an attempt to keep me from losing my voice. I just offer up points whenever I want something done and Anna has gone so far as to ASK what she can do for points. Megan was furious to find out that this happened while she was off reading and thus she missed out on some points. I keep telling her that there is plenty to do around here but she has also discovered that I will give them points to leave me alone and that is easier. Sean is glad we haven't assigned value to these points because I was so sick of their sass the other night (when I was reading and wanted to be left alone) that I offered Megan 50 points to just go to bed without complaint. Hmm, 1 point for picking up all 14 pairs of shoes scattered around the house seems pale in comparison.

The children are also going through (or continuing to stay in?) an ungrateful stage and they expect the latest and greatest toys any time of the year. Sometimes we give in to the whining and figure some new toy will keep them busy for a while and other times we let them spread their piggy banks all over the floor and pretend that they are going to buy the much needed toy themselves. I think what we need is book that I can whip out whenever they get particularly ungrateful, something along the lines of a picture book titled, There Are Children Starving in Africa, or the sequel, There Are Children Without Air Conditioning in Juarez (Who Also Get Shot at by Drug Cartels). I could make a fortune selling these books no doubt, however then my children would expect me to spend that money on more toys. I can't help but wonder if parents in the real Manhattan would show their ungrateful kids a book called, "There Are Children Who Have to Live in Kansas". Fill in your own subtitle. I haven't left in 4 months, I can't remember what other cities have that we are missing. All I know is that there isn't much for me to blow money on here, besides TAXES.

Keep the day job (and the night job!)

So far no luck at poker this week for Sean. (I mean, his conference is so educational.) He seems disappointed about the lack of winnings but I will be happy to pretend that the money he earns his first shift back is from poker. I just noticed on the calendar that he will pretty much walk in the door on Saturday and get to work. So yes, I think perhaps I have earned that first shift. Did I mention that Emily is teething? The sitter told me I paid her too much today but I knew what she had gone through and I want her to come back again... I should have kept her longer so I could shower because now I am too tired. People of Manhattan, keep your distance tomorrow, and not just because I am crabby.

Justified

Why are you not watching Justified on FX? It is because you don't realize there is a channel called FX? Sean, my entertainment guide, somehow found this one and we watched the first season via Netflix and now are watching the second season as it currently airs on FX. It's a "western/crime drama" but much like Friday Night Lights (tell me you watch this or go put it on your netflix queue now... I'll wait, go on) there are a lot of hilarious moments, mostly from the reactions of the main characters. Which by the way, women may find attractive, just putting that out there in case any women were skeptical about whether this would really interest them.

So there you go, something to watch this summer when there is only crappy reality TV on. I have sworn off reality TV for many reasons, one of them being that shows with writers are so much wittier. I have enough reality in my life, I need entertainment that isn't based on mocking people who don't realize they so mock-able. It's getting cruel. Also, it allows stupid people to get on the covers of magazines and thus decreases the numbers of covers available for George Clooney and Jude Law. How can they justify that??

Water Glass

Do you know how much wine you can fit in a water glass? A surprising amount. I am merely doing some research. The kids don't give me time to finish it, no worries. T minus 48 minutes until the littles' bedtime...

Book Neglect

It's not that I don't like reading or am too busy to do it, it's that I tend to get obsessed with books and forget about children so it's best if I don't. I have a book this week. I am neglecting the house instead of the children at least. Without Sean here all week there isn't an adult to notice the house falling apart and thus no guilt. Please, no one stop by until I finish the book. Unless you'd like to vacuum chips off the rug? I keep trying to read while the kids play around me outside but it's not really working. Emily is a busy girl and quite breakable.

I'm pretty sure obsessive reading is hereditary because Megan is the same way and I remember Grandma Koenig telling me that she kept sneaking off to the restroom at work to finish Gone with the Wind. It could be worse... a friend here pretended to be sick for 2 days to finish the Twilight series and forced her husband to deal with the children. Also worse things to be addicted to, ahem, poker.

Channeling Charlie Sheen

I know what you are all wondering... have I gone all Charlie Sheen on you? Perhaps, but there are no financial repercussions for me to face because NO ONE IS PAYING ME! Oh the freedom I have which is why I only write for my 72 readers. Did I lose a few from the last post, that's okay, my paycheck remains zero.

In addition to those of you who have asked me if I am Sheening, I have gotten some suggestions for future rants. How about those "Jesus freaks" facebook posts? Well, I no longer live in the south and if I do have some on my "friend" list then I must have blocked their feed a while ago, because I have no material to work with. I can overlook an occasion post about sensitive topics, but excessive posting about any one particular topic is annoying. Unless you are hilarious, then by all means fill my feed with your postings. I have two, both named Chris, who deserve a wider audience or a book deal. At the very least, a blog, hint hint, I know you are reading.

Another suggested topic is people who go to college bars who are twice as old as the students. Of course the occasional night out is fine, everything in moderation, but when it's not in moderation then it's sad. The students are no longer mocking you, they just feel sympathy for you. Even they can see that there are issues there... mommy issues, daddy issues, whatever, get over it, clean slate going forward, try not to screw up your own kids, etc. There, I saved you years of therapy. You are most welcome. If you want to know how to enjoy drinking and dancing at bars that is age appropriate, check my mom's blog. And remember, there is a point when you just have to let them spread their wings and fly, I accept no responsibility for their actions. I did the best I could with my parents and so far I haven't bailed them out of jail, so success! Cheers to them!

Facebook Tips

I know, so many articles about facebook posts so I will skip the usual drivel and focus instead on people who must inform all 342 of their "friends" about each and every single workout they do. A general statement would be, no one cares. Let me elaborate, I myself certainly do not care. In fact, if you must brag about every workout you do then when I see you in person, you better look damn good. Otherwise I just wonder what you are stuffing in your pie hole that cancels out each and every work out. Am I a skinny b*tch? Yes. But I manage to take a lot of walks, sorry for not informing everyone on facebook. I also eat a lot of fish and vegetables. Notice I did not say McDonalds. I know no one cares and thus I spare you. If you need the constant "like" from your friends to get you through a workout, let me suggest some counseling. This is your actual problem. I walk because I like it and because it sounds so much better if I tell Sean I am going out for a walk instead of taking a bottle of wine up to my closet to drain it. (And I have a lovely closet for wine drinking, hard to resist, thanks to Shelley for doing that before we moved in). If this is harsh, I am sorry, it has been a long day kicking off a long week. I am not heartless, for the record. When I do see someone, whether in a photo or in person, who has made an effort to get in shape, I always make a point to comment and give encouragement. I know it is hard and time consuming, I have had a few babies and have been enormous myself, so I know what it takes. I don't need to relive that via your facebook posts....

Hyper Blogging Week

Not only am I bored with Sean gone but he is bored at his conference and enjoying the blog updates, so I need to entertain him. Can I top "MRI Spectroscopy of pediatric demyelinating"? I don't know, it will be hard. It was hard enough just getting that title from the text message he sent me. Stayed tuned for later tonight after I have some wine and address the topic of facebookers who post constantly about their workouts. I may not have much editing so if you are one of those people, feel free to skip it.

Watch me fly?

Patrick just asked if I wanted to come watch him fly. I was kind of busy cleaning (you thought I was going to say "on the computer" right? I do occasionally clean, it just doesn't look like it) so I was going to pass on his kind invitation until I realized I might end up at the ER if this was unsupervised. Patrick is Buzz Lightyear. He wakes up in character and stays that way all day. The girls like to pretend but this is a whole other level. The minute he wakes up he comes running down the stairs in his Buzz Lightyear pull up and he pushes a red button on it to activate his wings, complete with sound effects. Then he shouts, "to infinity and beyond!" and zooms around the house. Who else wakes up with so much energy, just jumps out of bed and starts running? Oh, I mean besides Kitra. Anyway, Buzz only flew down two steps and then around the furniture so no ER visit just yet. And yes, I let him jump on the furniture, at least the pieces that need to be broken in still, like the leather chair. Am I teaching bad habits? Ah, just one of many....

Crap

Emily just insisted on taking a photo of a dog to nap with her. Bad enough that last week Megan somehow got over her fear of dogs and started begging for one, but now the baby is in on this? Anna and Patrick are obsessed with dogs but always fall for the line about me being allergic to them. Megan is too smart for that so there was some sobbing when I explained to her how much of a mess dogs make. I do not need something else in this house making a mess and I certainly don't need a mess in my yard. So what I do need is to borrow someone's bad dog for a couple hours. I could even offer a trade: Emily. Got baby fever? I've got one that is teething! She is so sweet and precious so I can only part with her for a few hours but that should be enough to cure the fever. Tylenol not included.

Wind

Yes, get your laughs non-local readers... Kansas weather report includes a wind advisory. Yes, it's windy in Kansas. And no, we don't joke about tornados. This is the first time we have lived in a neighborhood with big trees so I've been dreading a bad storm, not sure what damage we'd be dealing with. None it turns out. Location, location, location, no wind when you back into a hill. It was still 80 in the house when I got home from Avenue Q last night so I opened a window to let in some 50 degree air and it didn't work. Air wasn't moving outside. A little eerie but better than a big tree through the roof. Kids were sweating in their beds but I couldn't bear to turn on the a/c when it was cold outside. Plus, will the a/c even work? I should get that checked out... after we fund the SEP-IRA...

I am assuming that Sean's Southwest plane made it all the way to Vegas since I haven't heard otherwise. Will Sean win enough in poker tournaments to cover two new a/c units? He just called so yes, he did make it. Emily threw a tantrum when I didn't give her unlimited time on the phone with him. She chose a bad time to become a Daddy's girl. But it may make it easier for him when I go to Paris! In four weeks I will be landing in Brussels. Hoping that long flight is easier without children. Sounds kind of relaxing at this point.... long week ahead.

Light Boy

The three year old tyrant is getting even more demanding. Not sure if it's because we usually give in to him to shut him up or if he's just getting more creative. He has been the "door man" for a while now, throwing a fit if anyone opens the door besides him. One time I accidentally opened the door for the pizza man and had grabbed the pizzas but before I could hand over the money, Patrick came and slammed the door so he could reopen it. Let the pizza guy sweat for a minute first. Gets kind of awkward at church when Patrick gets angry at strangers for opening or holding the door for him. A rare day when I'm not carrying him, kicking and screaming, to the car afterwards.

He has now added "light boy" to his resume, as he just screamed at me to not turn on the lights in the basement as he was coming to do it. "I the light boy, I the light boy!!!!" I'm afraid he's going to fall running down the stairs to stop me from turning on the light so I just stand there in the dark waiting for him. What I really want to know is where Dish Boy and Laundry Boy are? Or Pick Up Socks Boy? It is unbelievable the number of socks that I find scattered around the house from every family member. I am ready for sandals season.

Pickiest Eaters?

I bribed Patrick out of bed and into the car today to take the girls to school by telling him I would get him a scone at Radina's. I didn't think he knew what I meant so just went right home after the drop-off and he was very upset. I had to turn around and go right there. I think he was remembering a chocolate chip scone he had once and of course they didn't have those today so I got two fancy ones... orange cranberry pecan and blackberry white chocolate. Worst case scenario, I would get two scones to myself. Nope, these super picky children loved them and I am left with the crumbs.

Perhaps that is for the best though as winter may actually end this year and I will need to wear a swimsuit at some point, as I am constantly reminded by all the online stores sending me non-stop emails about it. My favorite style so far... a bikini with a bottom that is granny panty style. I have no words for this.